You came to a decision, Louise
by Freud-Plato-SisterMonicaJoan
Summary: A story of Louise Beaton/Sister Julienne and Charles Newgarden in 1932. Sister Evangelina (actress Maxine Peake),Sister Monica Joan (actress Geraldine James), and a young Patrick Turner also star. Frank Capra's The Miracle Woman (1931), Chaplin's City Lights (1931) and Juliane of Norwich's Revelations of Divine Love also play a role.
1. Chapter 1

**You came to a decision, Louise.**

 **Chapter 1. The Miracle Woman**

A young woman strolled along the Main Street of Poplar, laughing at something her companion said. The six foot, fair-haired man walked her bicycle for her as they engaged in a lively exchange of ideas

She wore a beige two-piece suit and had a certain elegance to her bearing. When she took off her hat and shook out her hair, you could see the golden waves shining in the sun and a stylish fringe crossing her forehead. Her eyes were deep blue, with a striking serenity in them.

They stopped at the yard of the Nonnatus House.

"Charles, I just didn't like the plot of the movie. I like Barbara Stanwyck. A fantastic actress. But the plot….so silly."

Charles went to park the bicycle and returned to her, chuckling. "You are always so demanding, Louise. It's a riveting story." They had been to the cinema to see _The Miracle Woman_ , a story of some controversy. *

He took her hand. "I hope you at least enjoyed the sweets ."

She squeezed his hand. "Yes I did. Ice chocs are a wonderful change from the rather dull desserts of Mrs.B. I'm not saying that the film wasn't enjoyable. It's odd. You know how it is supposed to be based on that evangelist woman, Sister Aimee. Something in her, or at least in Barbara Stanwyck, reminds me of Sister Monica Joan."

Charles laughed. "Yes indeed. The queen of the Nonnatus House."

Louise frowned. "Dont tease. I don't like women of faith to be ridiculed." Charles looked at her mischievously, keeping in mind the indeed rather ludicrous content of the movie. "Well, I don't like trickery either. ," Louise continued. "You know that I love the church and I have come to admire this Order. I find strength in the faith of all these Sisters. Did you know that Sister Monica Joan was a suffragette? Her pioneering work in midwifery is a miracle, a very practical miracle. They do happen; not all people of faith are charlatans."

Charles's face softened. He pulled her into his arms. "I don't want to mock your faith. I believe in…you. Even if I don't believe in God in the same way as you do. My beliefs are strictly…Louise-centered. And, well, I believe in medical progress. "

He leaned in and asked, somewhat shyly: "Might I kiss you goodbye?" She nodded silently. They shared a light kiss. After pulling back, he continued staring at he, carressing her cheek. He let his hand drop only when he heard a noise from inside the building. Someone had opened a window.

Louise felt the ghost of his hand on her cheek even after he had retreated. A strange feeling. A miracle of another kind, she meditated. You can feel…unity, even without direct touch.

"There was that one faithful man in the end of movie. He saved the lady. He even saved her faith, "Charles remarked, with some intention.

Louise felt a diversion was needed. She decided to quote one of the funniest parts of the movie. " _Don't you know that the lions can't hurt you if you have faith? I know it. You know it. But do the lions-"_

Charles joined in and , they yelled in chorus: " _But do the lions know it?_ "** They collapsed in laughter. Charles gathered her in his arms again. "I love your laugh," he said huskily. Louise kept her head down. His voice was entreating : "May I say it, Louise? Aloud. It is pretty obvious, that we…."

She untangled herself from his arms. "No, please, Charles. Please don't say…anything."

He breathed out hard. "Sometimes I see how it grows in you. Like a flower, with all the inevitability and force of a natural process. Filling all the space with its…fragrance." The words were mild in themselves, but there was a tone of utter seriousness and even despair in them.

"Charles, I will go in now. Good night. And thank you for the entertaining, if odd evening."

XXXXXXXXX

* Frank Capra _The Miracle Woman_

** In the movie, the evangelist Sister Aimee invites people to a lion cage with her, saying that if they have faith, nothing will hurt them. An elderly couple in the audience have this exchange of words.

.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch2 The comfort of the kitchen**

Louise headed to the kitchen, made a cup of tea and sat at the table . She needed to calm down before compline.

The last six months had been a bewildering, yet an oddly vivid and deep-felt period of time. Meeting Charles again had been a surprise that made an already complicated situation even more so.

Sister Evangelina came to the kitchen with a screwdriver and some fuses in her hands. Putting them away in the cupboard, she said with a tone of mild reproach: "Perhaps he will do. All that education doesn't seem to have made him entirely impractical. And Lord knows we need help after Mr. Pike leaves for a holiday."

"Sorry, what are you talking of, Sister Evangelina?" Louise asked, distracted.

"Oh, I have been training our new, temporary handyman. With Mr. Pike deserting us in July, to take his family to Hastings, we need someone else around. I tested the new boy with the fuse box. He managed astonishingly well."

"Oh, I see." It seemed to be of no interest to Louise. Seeing the rather downturned appearance of Nurse Beaton, Sister Evangelina took a cup of tea and sat by her.

"So you've been out with your friend again?" she asked, in a mild manner.

"Yes, Sister Evangelina."

"He seems a man of purpose. Do you like him?"

This question disconcerted Louise, especially coming from Sister Evangelina. Yet she was at the stage where she needed to talk. She had been talking with Sisters for six months now, of all things possible, but not about this. She had been avoiding it.

"Yes, I do like him, very much. He is a dear fellow. Our fathers were friends. They were both in the army. We met at Aden as children."

"I guess there is something to said for all those far-away corners of The Empire, "mused Sister Evangelina. "I have never been further than France. But I know some brothers of the Order of St. Joseph keep up a small hospital in Nigeria and some nurses have gone there as missionaries." It was obvious that this small talk was to give Louise a chance to change the topic if she so chose. Louise found this rare tact a touching gesture.

Sister Evangelina remained silent for a while. She coughed a little. "What are his prospects? Is there a place for you?" she asked in a non-committal manner.

"I'm afraid he thinks there is. He is going to start a business as optician in Hampstead. He has been….saying things."

"Oh. Hell's teeth."

Louise had to chuckle even if she was anguished. Sister Evangelina's vocabulary was so rich.

"Yes. Hell's teeth indeed."

After a long pause, Sister asked raising her eyebrows: "After you came home from your…..visit to Chichester, how many talks have you had with Sister Jesu Emmanuelle?"

"Three."

"Hmm." Sister Evangelina rose and patted Louise's shoulder. Louise couldn't help her tears. She grabbed Sister Evangelina's hand. Then she stood up and embraced Sister Evangelina.

Sister didn't seem perturbed by this. "There, there, my friend." It took some time for Louise to regain her composure enough to let go of Sister and sit down again.

Sister Evangelina took a deep breath. "You need to bide your time, I say. Bide your time. You will find a way. I have a feeling in my bones that you will."

She patted Louise's shoulder once more and disappeared into the corridor. Louise remained deep in thought until the bell call to compline rang. She rose to leave for the chapel.

She recalled what Sister Monica Joan has once said:

 _"_ _But in chapel, we need not choose our thoughts. The words are aligned, like a rope for us to cling to."_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 Breast is best**

"Breast is best! Breast is best!" There was joyous shrieking echoing from the walls around the Nonnatus House yard.

Some boys were running around there in a game of tag. There was however a highly original "catchword" in the game. The boys shouted "Breast is best!" when someone was caught.

Sister Evangelina rode her bicycle into the yard.

"Oh you rascals. It is not that long ago when it was best for you. You stop using that word at once, or I will tell your mothers about this. John Winston! Jim Smith! Do you hear me?"

The boys stopped running and seemed chastened. John looked at Sister Evangelina worriedly. "Sorry Sister. We didn't mean anything. We are sorry. You won't tell our mothers, will you?"

"I would if I could, young master Winston, but your mother is so close to her delivery that I don't want to upset her. But you might tell her, very nicely, that you were lucky to meet Sister Evangelina and she gave you some good advice. You too, Jim."

As Sister Evangelina turned to park her bicycle, a lanky young man emerged from a narrow alley. He kept his head and shoulders hunched as he took hasty steps towards the stairs to the Nonnatus House, as if trying to avoid Sister Evangelina's notice. He was chuckling under his breath. His jacket was still a bit too large for him, it was obviously made too large for a growing boy. Underneath it he wore a well-worn checked shirt and a very short necktie, probably both handovers from his dad.

He didn't pass Sister Evangelina's notice. "And you, Patrick Edward Turner, you should be an example to these younger boys. At seventeen, you are old enough to understand that these are serious things. You, a grammar school boy." There was a certain amount of contempt in the words "grammar school".

"Yes, Sister Evangelina," Patrick meekly agreed,"they are serious." But when he came to the Nonnatus House door he murmured to himself "serious and beautiful". He tossed his head to get his unruly dark mop of hair out of his eyes. It wasn't that long ago that he had been running around the yard and yelling similar catchwords in his shorts.

But now, he had come to help Mr. Pike with a plumbing problem, as he was the new temporary handyman.

XXX

As Patrick and Mr. Pike worked to get the drains in the laundry room to work again, they had a conversation about Sister Evangelina.

"A tough chestnut, that Sister E.", Mr. Pike advised Patrick. "Be sure you stay on good terms with her. She may be curt, but she knows all about this house. And all about this neighbourhood, I reckon. If I could deliver babies, we could change jobs. "

Mr. Pike sighed, and said with admiration: "A fine woman. A damned fine woman. "

Patrick looked surprised. "Are you talking of Sister Evangelina? I never thought of the Sisters…as women."

"And so you should, son. So you should. But I knew Enid and her family in the old times. That was her name, Enid Atwood. She's from Dog's Isles, as I am. What a sight it was to see her in the streets there, always such a spring in her steps, strolling along with a batch of noisy little sisters and brothers. She was the second eldest of 16 children. A cracking sight, that was."

This middle-aged man was nearly lost in his fond reveries about…Sister Evangelina. Enid. Patrick had never before thought that nuns had their proper names.

Then Mr. Pike had continued in a different tone: "But she truly was one for the church. She was a nurse in the war, have you heard? Of course you have. From your Dad." Mr. Pike glanced at Patrick, who had become a bit reserved. Mr. Pike's eyes softened. "Sorry, son. Perhaps your old man doesn't want to talk about the war."

"No, he does not. I have heard that he met Sister Evangelina when he was an ambulance man in RMC, but not much more."

Mr. Pike knew the odd fate of the elder Mr. Turner. He had served only briefly in the medical corps before being discharged due to a leg injury. He had returned to his job as a primary school teacher in Poplar. The Upper North Street School had been the target of one the first ever air attacks by the Germans. * Everyone in Popular knew about that tragic day in 1917, and that Mr. Turner had been decorated with a medal for his efforts in the rescue. But so many of his pupils had died, and he had been a different man after that, reserved and sometimes sullen. Very unlike Mrs. Turner, who was a jolly little creature. Very sassy and bright.

Mr. Pike came out of his war remembrances to the present. "All right young man, do you think you will manage with drainage blocks in the future?"

"Yes Mr. Pike., I think so."

"Ask advice in case you don't know what to do. It is good that you passed changing the fuse test. It is always best to get off to a good start with Sister Evangelina."

xxx

The next week Patrick was again at Nonnatus House. After oiling some creaking doors and fixing a problematic lock in Sister Jesu Emmanuelle's office he wandered to the dining hall.

If Mrs. B was in a good mood, he might get a little snack before going to the vegetable garden for some weeding. Or some of the younger nurses might offer him a bite. They were usually friendly enough to talk with him and answer his questions about medicine.

He was planning to apply to university and become a doctor. His parents were supportive, but the neighbours not so much. It had been enough for them that he had gone to grammar school, but no one went on to university. The Parkers, though, they didn't mind, at least not Mr. and Mrs. Parker. Margaret was both for and against it. They had been dating for a year now. She wanted him to go to university but she wanted to be married, too. A problem.

He met Nurse Beaton in the dining hall, setting the tea table. She had always been kind, but Patrick was afraid that she was aware of his habit of sneaking into the surgery to read medical journals. You just never knew with Nurse Beaton. She was unflappable and mild-mannered. He had heard of people talking about her: what a brick she was as a nurse and a midwife. A very diplomatic presence with the old curmudgeons and nervous new mothers, with a silent authority rare for someone so young, they said.

Of course, she didn't seem very young to him. She must be near thirty, he thought.

"Do you fancy a cup of tea, Patrick?"

"Thank you, Nurse Beaton. I don't mind if I do. I think I need a break. Before I get to the weeding."

Nurse Beaton smiled. "It seems that you don't like gardening so much, Patrick."

"No, I don't. Not like you." He had seen her taking extra care of the daffodils. He wasn't sure, but the bulbs may have been a gift from her young man. She had never before been seen courting anyone, but two months ago this handsome Mr. Newgarden had appeared out of the blue. Patrick had heard some nurses hinting about Nurse Beaton's "passion for daffodils" in a knowing voice.

After a cup of tea and some polite chat about the maternity home's new Doctor and Patrick's last school term, Sister Evangelina hustled into the room and glanced sideways at Patrick. She directed her words to Nurse Beaton.

"Nurse Beaton, there is that odd bun in the oven. The full pocket in an apron one thought would never be used. At Lisbon buildings." She winked at her knowingly, making it clear that Patrick wasn't to know what she was talking about. "You see my meaning. You should come with me, Nurse Beaton."

The Sister left to the clinic room and Sister Beaton took her cup to the kitchen. She knew what it was about: Mrs. Royston, aged 37, was about to deliver her first baby.

When she came back to the dining hall, Patrick asked her with a boyish, yet shy earnestness: "Nurse Beaton, I know that you can't talk of the patients with me, but could I later ask you some general questions regarding…" he was struggling to find a correct word, " _primigravida antiqua?_ Not a proper Latin phrase, but…"

Nurse Beaton laughed. "Patrick, where have you learned about elderly primigravida? "

The truth was out. "I read about it in _The Lancet_ , Nurse."

"Patrick, you should ask Dr. Stewart's permission to read _The Lancet_ in his surgery. But yes, I can talk with you about the medical approach to high risk pregnancies, later. "

XXXX

* The air raid of a Poplar school is a true story. . /local-history-online-exhibitions-upper-north-street-school-air-raid-june-1917


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch 4 The love finding a home**

Despite her age, Mrs. Royston gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Sister Evangelina left Louise to clean and pack in the bedroom, while she herself accepted the invitation for tea with the elder Mrs. Royston, the current Mrs. Royston's mother-in-law.

Mrs. Royston the elder was one of those bossy women of Poplar that Louise had slowly come to appreciate. In the beginning, she had been both afraid and irritated by these influential mater familias. Now that she knew her way around Poplar family relations, they no longer seemed as byzantine as they had as a newcomer.

She had also learned to appreciate the value of Sister Evangelina in these situations. Her straight-talking manner was a great help. Finished with the bedroom, Louise came to the kitchen and was offered tea, too.

Sister Evangelina and Mrs. Royston has been talking of Vincent, Sister Evangelina's rather wayward youngest brother.

Having some experience with alcoholic relatives, Mrs. Royston gave sympathetic grunts as Sister Evangelina told her of Vincent's latest brush with the police.

"You should let go, Sister. You have done your duty. Now it's God's time to do his, "the old lady said.

"I know. It is just so hard."

Mrs. Royston raised her eyebrows, and commented drily: "One day we will see. Trust in God and She will provide."

Sister Evangelina laughed warily, responding with a twitched mouth: "You learned too much from those suffragettes, Mrs. Royston, I dare say. I will follow the more traditional way of addressing God."

"And so you should. So you should. "Mrs. Royston sighed a little. "We are so proud of you, Enid, I mean, Sister Evangelina. Although I shouldn't say that. Makes you hoity-toity."

"Never fear that," laughed Sister Evangelina. "According to Sister Jesu Emmanuelle, my working hours make up for what she calls my…", she sniffed, "'other qualities'."

She rose to leave. "Another baby safely at port, Nurse Beaton. We are off for home now, Mrs. Royston. Thank you for tea."

XXXX

Letting go. Louise was ruminating on the conversation at the Roystons' while working in the garden, tending the flowers she cherished. Sister Jesu Emmanuelle had compared the nature of calling to a flower bulb: the bulb has all it needs to grow into a flower. Not even watering is needed All you can do is let go and trust that the flower will grow.

She also pondered the odd off-hand remark Sister Evangelina made when they had returned to Nonnatus House. After cleaning the instruments, Sister Evangelina had been on her way out, but she had turned around and said to her, wistfully: "What's needed is taken up, and what's not needed hangs around somewhere, looking for a home. That's the nature of…love." Then the Sister had left.

Louise didn't know if Sister was talking about Charles or the unfortunate Vincent Atwood. Louise gathered that this brother was Sister Evangelina's favourite sibling whom she always saw as a vulnerable baby. Their childhood closeness had disappeared as adults leaving a difficult relationship. Vincent just couldn't understand his Sister's calling.

Perhaps there was a home for every love. Somewhere.

Louise saw Patrick Turner enter the garden in his overalls and nodded at his polite greeting. He prepared to begin a painting job: some very worn-out cupboard doors were propped against the garden shed.

Joining him by the shed, Louise asked if he was still interested in high risk pregnancies. Patrick asked her questions, and she related some of her own experiences with difficult births without using too many specifics.

As the conversation drew to a close, she asked Patrick, "But you are going to medical school, aren't you? Why read _The Lancet_ secretly?"

He let out an embarrassed laugh.

"I'd like to study medicine. But you see, there's…Margaret. Margaret Parker."

"Isn't she interested in you studying medicine?"

"Oh no, she is very interested. I think she'd even like to go to medical school herself."

Not such a bad idea, Louise thought silently. She was familiar with the Parker girl who struck her as a very intelligent young woman.

"But that means we can't get married," Patrick continued. "Not for years. And no-one from our neighbourhood has gone to university before, not to the medical school."

"I think the world changes one man at a time. Or one woman at a time. Someone has to be the first person to do anything. Sister Monica Joan was the first nurse in her family, and the first registered midwife in England."

"I have heard about that. Our very own Florence Nightingale."

"At that time, nurses and midwives were uneducated. They were looked upon as quacks. Now midwifery is a respected profession."

"So, you do think that education is a good thing? Unlike Sister Evangelina."

"Yes, I do. Sister Evangelina is herself an example of very useful self-education. She has remarkable skills. Yet when she first came here she could hardly read or write."

There was a lull in the conversation. Patrick broke it, saying tentatively:

"I saw you with your - friend the other day. He seems nice, if you don't mind my saying so."

"Yes, he is a very nice man. I have known him since I was five. Our families are friends."

"Oh, then it is a bit like….Margaret and me. "His voice became subdued.

Louise felt suddenly a pang. To be seventeen and in love. That was once in a lifetime experience. Her mind turned to days ancient in Aden, full of scent of hope. How different it had been at that age, in the year 1922. They had been sheltered, careless and happy, in a childish way, with no responsibilities.

Then….things had happened. Charles had been sent to the army, a career he'd detested. After many years in India, he had returned to England with the firm intention to take up something different. Optometry turned out to be that something different. Louise had studied nursing in London. When they met again, sands had shifted: they both had changed.

Aloud she said: "I think Margaret is a nice girl, but you are both so young. Yes, medical school will mean you must wait for a while, perhaps years, but It is possible to wait. I know that from an experience."

Patrick looked at her with a question on his face. "Do you really think so? Can you really…. wait?"

Louise laughed. "Oh yes, young man. You will not explode or start to wither away. It is not dangerous, you know."

Patrick sighed. "I'd like to think so. Looking around here, it seems that there is only one way. A man gets married, he has a family. Sometimes I think that we've made that the only way, that there are no other possibilities."

"Well, there are other possibilities. Look at the Sisters. Look at Father Joe. I think nearly all the medical students at the London Hospital have to delay starting a family. An army career also requires all kinds of absences from your family."

"Joining an Order or army is not really my way. Being a medical student feels much more like it. I wouldn't feel like it was a sacrifice – well, not so much."

"Then you should grab that chance with both your hands. As I should grab mine."

Patrick smiled at her. "Thanks for encouragement. And good luck to you and your friend."

"Thank you. But I didn't mean him as my chance." She rose rather abruptly. "I must go in now. It's time for evensong."

Patrick looked after her with wonderment. What did she mean?


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5. The nature of calling.**

"But how do you feel it? Why is it so special?"

Louise and Charles were sitting at a café. She had been telling Charles about her feelings and insights after a retreat at Chichester.

"It is like…everything is clearer. The sun is…more sun. The sky is….more sky. The hills are…more hills."

"That makes no sense, " complained Charles. "Surely you can understand the beauties of creation without a monastery visit. I can see such wonders in optometry. It is such an interesting practice.".

"I'm certain it is. And you should follow your chosen profession."

"But you don't want to come with me to Hampstead. Is that it?"

"Charles, it is more complicated than wanting something or not. I am not sure that I… _want_ any of this. I know that there are many ways of life just as worthy as practicing midwifery in Poplar."

She was at loss how to explain the experience to someone who was not ready to accept it. "I've just never felt the holiness of ordinary events so deeply before. A shared meal, a wound healing, a baby born, a flickering candle in the chapel….earth, wind, water, fire: there are so many everyday miracles."

"Talking of shared meals, would you like more cinnamon toasts? I can order more." He made an attempt to call the waitress. Louise put her hand on his arm to restrain him. He turned back.

"Charles, it's been a long time since we shared cinnamon toasts."

"Was it your nanny or my mother who introduced us to this delicious experience?" he entreated.

"It must have been your mother. My nanny was much too fussy for such delicacies," Louise laughed and tossed her head. Charles looked at her with a discernible longing in his eyes.

"I know it's been long time, but you are still the same Louise underneath. I can feel it. You haven't changed. Only there is…" he laughed a little embarrassed, "so much more Louise in this new you. See, I can see what you mean, " he grumbled with a bittersweet laugh.

"I was hoping you would,"Louise answered soberly. What a splendid man had become of that little boy. She really did love him, in her way-

A silence fell over them.

Louise started the hot topic again. "I feel like a part of a great fine tradition:women helping women."

"But surely you can help women in many different ways?"

She couldn't answer. He stared through the window, slumping his shoulders, and fiddling with his spoon in the tea cup. Louise felt so sorry for him. He was an outsider in this new world of hers,but she must make him see its importance. She had to be honest.

She continued, in an everyday voice: "Last week, during the morning prayer, I was caught by some Bible verses. You might say I had an - illumination."

Charles lifted his head up and fixed his gaze upon her.

"They're from the psalms : _Cause me to hear thy loving kindness in the morning, Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk._ "

She felt a tug in her heart, looking at his despondent face. "The response " _thy loving kindness"_ just resonated through me, and that feeling of - exuberance didn't leave for three days."

She could not explain it well. She could see that he didn't fully understand. He raised his eyebrows and didn't say a word.

"So that was when I knew it. I asked Sister Jesu Emmanuelle for another counselling session." She swallowed hard. She hadn't told him before that she had been given guidance by Sister Jesu Emmanuelle. "It was our fourth session."

He blew out a low whistle. "You've kept that to yourself pretty well, " he commented in an alien voice.

"Yes, Charles. It is something you keep to yourself. During that session, I asked to become a novice in the Order of St Raymond of Nonnatus. She agreed to that. Of course, ultimately it will be Mother Ada's decision, but Sister Jesu Emmanuelle will be my sponsor."

Charles's upper lip tightened. "All right. I understand."

All at once Louise felt remorse. Her best companion, once the joyful young boy, was sad. How can you explain the nature of calling? She quickly added: "Let us not talk of this anymore. We can still see one another. We are friends after all. I can still come with you to see _City Lights_."

Charles smiled wanly. "I have heard it is a very good movie. There is a blind girl in it. As there was a blind man in _The Miracle Woman_. Odd coincidence, isn't it? She gets her eyesight back, I guess. But I think she loses the funny, sad tramp who loves her, or something like that. Art imitating life, should we say."

"Charles, I love Chaplin, and I'd love to see the film with you. Can you believe that?"

He took her hand and caressed it. "Yes, I believe that. Friday at 7.00, then?

"At 7.00."

XXXX

When Louise returned to home, she met Sister Monica Joan in the hall. "Oh Nurse Beaton, you are back from your date. I hope it didn't make you too unhappy."

Louise didn't always know if she loved or hated Sister Monica Joan. She had herself asked to read _The Revelations of Divine Love_ with the older Sister for the last months, because she loved the inspired insights the Sister gave her about Julian of Norwich. In those moments, she was utterly bewitched. . Yet the good Sister was so temperamental: she could be considerate and warm, but she certainly could say things that disturbed you. Her speech was littered with quotations and paradoxes. That latest comment about unhappiness was one paradox that was a little too close for comfort.

Louise sat down on the bench at the hall, and her forlorn form must have brought Sister Monica Joan to her senses. She sat down by her, took her hand, and watched her with her deep, loving eyes.

"My dear young friend, you know that you are allowed to pray with the words that are given to us."

"Yes, I know that. _Words are like a rope for us to cling to-_ -"

"You should pray this: _salva me ab ore leonis_. It is from the Catholic Requiem Mass. We can borrow all good texts when we are in need."

Louise struggled with her meagre Latin to get the meaning. "What does it mean?"

" _Rescue me from the mouth of lions._ Trust in God, and everything else follows." Sister Monica Joan left for chapel.

How strange was Sister Monica Joan's second sight. Surely she hadn't seen that Barbara Stanwyck movie?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6. The wisdom of Pearl.**

Then came the night which Louise would always call her Kairos moment.

It was several hours into Mrs. Winton's delivery. With three previous children safely born, no one anticipated any difficult with the labor. But suddenly, situation turned critical: the baby's heartbeat weakened.

Louise tried to stay calm, but she knew she had to get the baby out soon. Mrs. Winston, brazen woman, not given to nerves , gripped her hand and said: "Please, Nurse, help me. In the name of God, please help me."

The baby was born blue and lifeless. Louise used every method known to midwives to get the little girl to breathe. A slightly drunken Mr. Winston banged the door and demanded to know what was happening. Finally the baby gave a scream. With tears of relief in her eyes, Louise turned and gave the girl to her mother.

"Oh, nurse, thank you," Mrs. Winston said, she, too, in tears. "But will she live? Please, Nurse, would you baptise her?"

Louise, oddly enough, had never been asked to perform this service before. . She nodded and prepared the emergency baptism. Mr. Winston was asked in. They were an odd party enacting in this holy rite: Mr. Winston wept tears of joy while Mrs. Winston had recovered enough to be angry at him for being drunk.

"What name do you wish to give to this girl?" Louise asked.

"Pearl. I rather like that name. Pearl Mary Louise. Mary after her grandmother, and Louise because of you."

Louise swallowed. "Thank you, Mrs. Winston. It is an honour." The baby was duly given the emergency baptism. She felt moved as she came to the end of the Lord's Prayer: "For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. "

Mr. Winston bellowed a loud "Amen to that", and it made both Louise and Mrs. Winston giggle. Then Mrs. Winston again elbowed her husband disapprovingly .

Louise finally left the apartment after Doctor Stewart arrived to check baby Pearl and Mrs. Winston. It was already beginning to dawn. As she reached the doorway at the bottom of the stairs, she nearly tumbled over something. It was the sleeping John Winston who had apparently been sent to relatives, to be out of way. He woke up and clutched at Louise's leg.

"Oh, Nurse Beaton, tell me that mother is alright. She didn't die, did she?"

Louise looked at the boy's teary face and assured him that his mother was alright and that he had a new baby sister. "Thank you, Nurse," the boy cried, running up the stairs.

Louise took in the sight of Poplar, shining in the austere morning light. She felt she had come to the end of her time of wilderness. These were her people; this was her home.

XXXX

After the Winston birth, she had her fifth talk with Sister Jesu Emmanuelle.

She didn't keep the date to go to see _City Lights_. Instead, she sent Charles a letter to which she got no response. She had been hoping that she would get an answer, irrational though that hope was.

xxxx

Somehow the knowledge that Louise was on the brink of becoming a novice had spread through Nonnatus House, as information sometimes does in religious communities. Perhaps someone had seen her arrive home late one night in tears, yet attend morning prayer at 6.30 with clear eyes, like a soldier after a successful battle. Or maybe they just noticed that new rota of district nursing and midwifery revealed that she would be away for three months, an observation that indicated a stay at Chichester.

XXXX

Still no letter from Charles.

XXXX

Louise was focused on her prayer and talks with Sister Jesu Emmanuelle. She was aware that her new life was of interest to some, but fortunately that interest seemed of friendly nature. She had overheard Sister Evangelina and Sister Monica Joan speaking of her in the kitchen while she was in the clinic room.

"It seems that Nurse Beaton is over the crisis. Tears no more. _'Her face divine contentment wears',"_ Sister Monica Joan said.

"That period is always so emotional. Though it is good that the emotions are dealt with at that stage: if they do not emerge early enough, they may prove more problematic later."

"Chastity is such a misunderstood promise. It is not a question of giving something up. Instead, It is a gift that gives you room for total devotion, a focus in life."

"Exactly. Women's liberation. A very much misunderstood idea."

Louise felt that those two Sisters, who were often at odds with each other, were having a rare moment of concord. There was warmth in their tones .

Then Sister Monica Joan bemoaned: "Whereas the promise of obedience.." Sister Evangelina started to laugh, and Sister Monica Joan joined her mirth. Louise went to the door to sneak a peak at them.

Sister Evangelina gave Sister Monica her hand over the table. The older Sister took it eagerly. "We shall conquer that fight, shall we not? In Christ you shall be free. Truly free."

"I hope so. I certainly hope so."

XXXX

Still no letter from Charles.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7. The number of a Sister.**

Louise had a practical task: to embroider her new Sister number in her habit and other personal garments. But even this simple task was not without incident.

Louise was sewing and talking with Sister Jesu Emmanuelle in the parlour when Sister Monica Joan came in. Seeing the task at hand, she asked which number Louise had been given.

The Sister winced at hearing her answer. "But 128 was Sister Bernadette's number." She left the room, apparently chagrined.

Louise looked at Sister Jesu Emmanuelle, somewhat pained. "Who was Sister Bernadette?"

"She was here for a short time, only three years. She died after the war, during the outbreak of Spanish influenza. She was a favourite of Sister Monica Joan's and of many others. I suspect that Mother Ada was training her to be her successor. Of course, one should not appreciate one Sister above the others, but you know Sister Monica Joan."

Louise felt a pang. She was giving all she had to the Sisterhood, yet she felt that she wasn't good enough. Nothing could make her understand Sister Monica and her emotions, not even St Julian. At Sister Monica Joan's age, after the courageous life she had led, you would think that she would be past human jealousies and preferences. But if she could still feel lonely and wounded among her Sisters, how would Louise herself ever survive? Did the calling help you with…with Sisters who… didn't like you? Who wished you were someone else?

Sister Jesu Emmanuelle spoke with gentle determination. "Louise, you should not mind so much. You cannot see ahead; you do not see what is around the next turn in the road. You shouldn't compare yourself so much with other Sisters. You are called as yourself. Sister Monica Joan will come around."

She felt relieved by Sister Jesu Emmanuelle's belief in her. But she wasn't sure that the next question on her mind was proper. It might break the promise of obedience. "Sister Jesu Emmanuelle, I am quite willing to take Sister Bernadette's number. But…"

"Fear not. You shall not take her name. Names are always important personal dedications. I think you have already shown us which name you should carry."

Louise felt a surge of warmth come from deep inside: the gift of love, the simple trust in giving and receiving was burning in her heart, a love aimed at no-one particular, yet stronger than anything she had ever felt for…. anyone. Not even Charles. Surely they were not going to honour her by calling her….

"Sister Julienne. That will be your name. "

XXXX

Sister Monica Joan did indeed come around. The next morning, she approached Louise and said: "Please, I wish to apologize. Of course you can have Sister Bernadette's number."

"I am sorry, for your sake. I've heard that Sister Bernadette was a very fine person. "

Sister Monica Joan waved her arm. "Yes, she was. You carry a worthy double heritage. Both the number and the name." She looked into a distance. "But I dare say you will be equal to it. A Sister Julienne, indeed."

She continued, some melancholy in her voice: _"A condition of complete simplicity, costing not less than everything._ " *

Louise looked at Sister Monica frowning a little. "That is a quotation, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. T.S. Eliot. I think you will find that condition of complete simplicity. Your calling will carry you, and it will cost you everything, butut it is a road worth taking."

XXXXX

A letter and a bouquet of flowers finally arrived from Charles in October. Louise thought it was providential that they arrived on the day when she was leaving for Chichester for her ordination retreat.

 _"_ _Dear Louise. I was so stubborn that I tried to grow daffodils in a hothouse, just for you. I was going to use these flowers to ask you once more to be my wife. But when the flowers had grown to full bloom, I had changed, or I finally realized that we both have changed, just as you always said. So I send these flowers to you as a farewell. I will never forget you._

 _All shall be well. God Bless. Charles."_

She dried the flowers and put them inside her book of _The Revelations of Divine Love._

XXXX

She gave her First Promises and stayed at Chichester for six months, after which she was sent back to Poplar as Sister Julienne.

Later, she would cherish one moment as her true homecoming. She had been called out for a birth by Mrs. Clay, the fishmonger's wife. When she returned, she was caught by a quiet, ecstatic mood. She was so happy of her new place in life and in the trust people showed in her.

She entered the clinic room, full of a new sense of purpose.

"Ah, Sister Julienne, you are back. How was it at the Clays? "Sister Evangelina asked, not noticing Sister Julienne's new radiance.

"All very well, Sister Evangelina. The second stage went very quickly and Mrs. Clay now has a healthy baby boy."

Sister Monica Joan started to comment: "Wasn't this her third child?" Then she stopped and recognised Sister Julienne's glow.

The new Sister smiled at her and said with trembling voice: "I have come home, Sister Monica Joan. I have come home to be counted."

Sister Julienne seemed not to be aware that she was still carrying the packet of fish that Mr. Clay had given to her as a token of his gratitude.

Sister Monica Joan raised her eyebrows. She went to take that packet of fish. "Let us put down the fish. It is superfluous to the situation." Then Sister Monica Joan embraced her: "Welcome home, Sister Julienne."

 ***T.S. Eliot, Little Gidding, the last lines**

 _Not known, because not looked for  
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness  
Between two waves of the sea.  
Quick now, here, now, always-  
A condition of complete simplicity  
(Costing not less than everything)  
And all shall be well and  
All manner of thing shall be well  
When the tongues of flames are in-folded  
Into the crowned knot of fire  
And the fire and the rose are one._


End file.
